As I approached my mid 20's I started feeling more attracted and interested in the photos my Insta friends were posting of their beautiful babies. I started to feel a small twinge of jealousy when I'd scroll past the obligatory pumpkin patch photos every Autumn, the mini range rovers they'd buy for their one year olds and the matching mummy and daughter outfits at Christmas, so cute yet so cringe.
Now looking back this was a slow transition for me as I partied very hard for 6 years of my life, Weekends of Prosecco and Parties mostly in my Kitchen with my two best (only) friends. But then I met the love of my life James now my very handsome but much neglected baby daddy and so naturally I started feeling broody.
Chewy Vuitton my first born
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At first Chewy really did fill this void in my heart/life and womb that I guess most women feel at a certain point in their lives. However after a few months I was so attached to him I would often cry with happiness and really believe he was my child, I grew so attached I quit my full time job for a part time one just to be a stay at home dog mum for 2 days of the week. I became so weird that I'd often whatsapp my friends and say 'Can't talk right now just putting Chewy down to sleep'.
So come to think of it buying this puppy made me worse but it also made James broody too.
Fast Forward to January 2017 - Sitting at my freezing cold desk at work I started feeling really ill. I felt out of character. I wasn't my usual overly talkative, never gets any work done self. I sat in silence most of the day, felt sick and got on with my boring work until my very good friend and god mum to Chewy said to take a pregnancy test. I didn't think I was pregnant as we were going through a dry spell apart from THAT drunken bone on New Years Eve so I didn't think I needed a test, plus I'd just spent 80% of my pay on a drunken night up Madisons and numerous burgers at Byron..(the Winter months make me eat) However it played on my mind and I thought I could stretch £2 on a boots own brand pregnancy test (that's how serious I took it at first).
Oh one thing about choosing your brand of pregnancy tests - if like me you have anxiety about EVERYTHING buy the one that spells it out for you, not a shitty cheap pregnancy test that doesn't even have the quality to show you the lines clear enough to understand if you are with child.
SERIOUSLY BOOTS SORT IT OUT!
So I ended up having to buy two of the damn things.
In the end my friend and I were in the loo's cuddling while I sobbed on her shoulder, half happy and half petrified.
'How will I tell James Han?'
'We're supposed to be going to the Maldives next month and we've just put down a huge deposit on a penthouse'
'On the other hand I hate this job and I've always wanted to be a stay at home mum who goes to yoga and orders cappuccino's and babycino's.' Because you know instagram mothers are all doing that!
On route home I pushed the boat out and purchased a ClearBlue to do at home with James but I couldn't wait so I ran into the Subway by Monument Station and did it in their loo's. I txt my two best friends a pic of the stick that said 'Pregnant 3-4 weeks'. Bloody New Years Eve!! I knew there was a reason I'd stop celebrating that night.. I'd always wake up with a head full of regrets and now a baby!
My best friend Chloe replied 'OMG G you've done it!! We're going to be on mat leave at the same time.... WE'RE FREE'
My best friend Nathan replied 'OMG kid I'm so happy for you this is amaze!! hang on omg but no more drunk nights in the kitchen and it's my birthday soon :( you bitch'
I was beaming from ear to ear on the walk home though and after I'd told James and a weird giggly evening of disbelief later we started to feel happy and excited.
Now looking back 9 months has passed like a blur, First and Second Trimester was truly beautiful, I felt happy and serene, my relationship was amazing and people generally liked me for some odd reason. We babymoon'ed in Santorini and James built a gorgeous Nursery for our baby boy. Life was AMAZING and then the Third Trimester happened.
The back pain, The trapped nerves, The awful swollen feet and the horrific hormonal breakdowns and breakouts, if that wasn't bad enough my labour nearly killed me and I was in hospital in intensive care for a week with Sepsis infection in my blood.
We didn't get off to the best start and James slept on a chair for his first week of his paternity leave while I had to be given extra morphine for my trapped wind.
Oh child birth what a beautiful and all dignity removing experience that was.
This is when the true reality of motherhood was revealed and it didn't have that Valencia filter on it.
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