Nursery Nightmares

I write this as I sit in my fave coffee shop directly across from the Nursery Mason is starting. This week is his 'settling in' week. For those who aren't aware settling in week is where the nursery increases the time your child is alone at nursery each day to help them 'settle in'. Mason is now 9 months old! Can you believe it? Time just goes by so quick when you're cleaning up baby poo and soggy rice cakes out your hair.

Mason is alone for an hour today with his key worker (whom I still can't pronounce her name - dreadful I know but after 9 months I'm like the scarecrow with no brain). When I sneaked out the nursery his key worker was trying to keep him busy in the sand pit but he was looking around for me. I slid off to the cute coffee shop laptop in tow,  half excited for an hour to have breakfast and a coffee alone and half completely devestated. As I sat down to start blogging, a million things went through my head - is he still crying? what is he doing now? is he settled? does he think I've abandoned him? I could see his little face in my mind completely red from all the crying tears streaming down his face. 

My phone flashed up several times since I sat down, my Mum, Dad, James and Chloe all asking how Mason was when I left him and how I am coping. My friends on Insta asking how it's all going after seeing my running commentary of nursery gate. An hour felt like 5 minutes and I couldn't wait to pick up my little darling. I assumed if I hadn't heard from them he was fine and having a blast after all he is usually off crawling and playing at all the playgroups. I walked in  to find Mason cuddling his key worker as the other babies sat on the floor listening to a cheery rendition of incy wincy spider. 

Straight away I had a sinking feeling in my stomach, he looked so so sad and I was completely devastated. I hurried towards him and he gave me a blank stare then burst into tears and put his arms out for me to take him. I clutched him so hard as if he was my long lost son I had lost in a tsunami. His key worker said he was quite upset and that he had sat by the little wooden gate and waited for me to come back and then crawled to the window and looked from the bottom to see if he could find me. My heart broke into a hundred thousand pieces hearing this, I was so naive to think he would be fine and independent like he is in the baby classes. 

I left in tears and called just about everyone in my phone book, I needed reassurance I needed to feel comforted I also needed some lemsip because I have a rotten cold. The day went by with me appreciating every little part of my son, his cries, his soggy rice cakes and even his poo. I missed him so much and I felt dreadful thinking he thought I had abandoned him. I was dreading the next day Mason would have to be left from 10am - 12:00pm and it made me feel sick.

Mason all smiles on route to Nursery

Fast Forward -  Present time - 10:25am Wednesday 11th July - 2nd day alone at Nursery

I asked my mum to come with me today for reassurance plus she seems to be a lot stronger than me in these situations. My mum and I sat with his key worker ( happy to say I can now pronounce her name) and played with Mason whilst discussing todays approach. Mason was back to his usually confident self, playing independently and approaching other babies but now I know he is a lot more confident when he knows I am in the room. A few glances our way to check we are still there and he is fine. We decided to leave one by one and today I thought I'd leave first as I am very very bad at goodbyes and would probably be a blubbering mess. My mum followed about 20 minutes later and I'm surprised she wasn't escorted out by security because the woman just doesn't know when to leave. 

So we're back in the cute coffee shop across the road worried sick he will be the shade of a tomato crying again. So many people have so many opinions which is common in motherhood, even people who don't have children have any opinion on just about everything you do. Like I always say and often forget, you need to remember to do what is best for you and your child. For some parents and children 9 month's is too early for some they have no other option. Some wait till their child is 2 and then get told they've waited too long and now the child will find it difficult. You can't win everyone has a opinion some you value and often some that you don't. Some babies are really easy and some are a little pain in the backside ( a la Mason). 

It is scientifically proven by many Child psychologists that children thrive and develop faster in Nursery settings from a young age. Having studied Child Psychology I agree, nothing can compare to a mother's love but a child can be stimulated in ways you may not be able to do at home or baby groups. I am out Monday to Friday filling my day up with baby groups, trips to the farm/museums, free play at home or in the park and some time at home and seeing family. However I was a person before Mason, I have needs and more importantly I DESERVE time to myself. I have passions, interests and a career that I have put on hold to bring up my child and that is something everyone needs to remember. Do not let society or people make you feel GUILTY for wanting time to yourself. I've had lots of support from my best friends some who have children and some who don't but can see how much I do with Mason.  

Unfortunately I've had some horrible comments to, sadly from my family. I put it down to two things - an old school (perhaps Turkish) mentality  and the fact they had zero support as young mothers themselves. I've been told and still am told things like 

'At your age I had two children and I had no help at all' 

'Oh you're putting him into nursery? why? can't you look after your own son?'

'Well it's not easy just get on with it' 

Well you're a mum now you don't have time for yourself'

These comments often had me in tears, they could see at times I was really suffering from being tired, frustrated and suffering with anxiety. Why would you make me feel even worse for wanting an hour to just lay on my bed and do nothing! Just an hour of silence to recoup and feel refreshed. I always encourage my other mum friends to feel proud and confident about their abilities as a mum, to always remember to have time to paint their nails, have a nice bath or go for a coffee with friends. But I find it hard to remember my own advice. 

What I struggle with is why do I have to ask to have time alone why can't people think of that themselves. Why do I need to argue to have a moments peace? I believe we should have more activities for mums to socialise or relax away from the baby.  Or a place to go with your child but to have expert childcare available for you to have a coffee alone. Being a mum is often very lonely, just you and your little one who can't even speak to you. 

Society needs to do more! WE need to do more to banish this feeing of guilt and loneliness. If a mum having alone time was discussed or offered more, more and more women would feel like it is NORMAL and nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. 

I've always said I will not push Mason into Nursery I will always do what is best for my Son. It would be great if he loved it so I can have two days to myself and when I eventually go back to work he would be settled in a place he likes but if it doesn't work then it's simply not the right time.